Blog it!!

Fuck the rain!! It just doesnt want to stop. Makes me gloomy... Always rains on my way home. Makes me wet.
But when I saw this old lady cycling in the drizzle. I smiled at her. I was affacted by her happiness. She was so delighted in waht she was doing. I felt worried about her safety, but I was happier that she could still be so adventurous at her age. She dares-that's what matters.
I guess it is the adventurous events in one's life that makes one's life worthwhile. They remind you that you have dared and done and there are no regrets!!!

Met Kellly on the way back to Arts today. The usual happened- the socially correct "Hi, where are you going" question. I really wanted to ask her how she was after all that she has been through, why she dropped her module, basically to find out if she was doing okay and why she did not return my messages. I guess I was afraid that she did not want my concern. Perhaps she did not want me to ask her how she was. I was afraid of that. I really hope that someday she would tell me that she wants the concerns from a friend like me.
I remember her a few years back. She was the cutesy, looney sort. She once told me that she had this dream- For her dream guy to ask her if he could kiss her. She would say no and then turn around and kiss him instead. I wonder if she would still like that. I guess not. Time changes dreams sometimes.
Ta1 shaked my hand today. Could it be that I have fallen. Shit!! Fuck!! Why must it be like this? I tell myself that I shouldn't think about it but I enjoy fantasizing. I want more from and of Ta1. I want to be with Ta1. I long for someone I like to hold me and to tell me that I am important. I know that Ta1 can never be the one. But wish so much that Ta1 is the one. I dont feel happy when Ta1 is around because I know that I cannot have Ta1 and never will. But I those feelings inside. I really wish Ta1 knew how I felt but I know the consequences of doing so. I will lose my friends forever... Why cant I just be like everyone else. Ta1 is just so great. Who am I to demand? I am not fit...

I feel like I am suffocating.... I feel the walls of my world crumbling onto me and I have no one to turn to. Who can I share my inner most secrets with......Do I dare to show the real me, just waiting for the opportunity to surface itself? Or is it really Me or something constructed by the environment. I wish it was the latter. I don't know. Why can I just embrace love like every normal human being. Why can't I have the feeling of someone loving me. Why am I so afraid? Afraid to act, to say, to do, to speak, to touch, to feel, to profess? But it is not right. I can't....I need a break. I need air. I need nourishment. I want to break free from this cocoon.
I am always analysing myself, trying to justify my thoughts and feelings. I had been doing a good job. I know what is right, what feels right. But I am slowly losing my judgement. The insatiable craving inside of me is slowly getting the better of me. Am I to lead a life like this forever? I am not even brave enough to speak the absolute truth in this Blog!! I care too much about friendship to lose it all at once. Loving what shouldnt be loved. I can't. Anyway, there isn't a chance now. There wasn't much chance in the first place, but the bubble of hope has burst right in my face, telling me to get on with my life.
I want to know what it feels like to hold hands, to hug, to kiss, to taste the lips of another, to make love. I want it. Such desire is dangerous. The stronger it is oppressed, the more it becomes mutated into perversion.
But am I good enough to be worthy? I am afraid. I am so afraid. God! Lift these thoughts out of my head. Make me normal. Make me whole. Make me happy. No worries. PLEASE!!