Monday, August 18, 2003
I was standing at the bus stop today. The bus took a long time to arrive. The crowd started to fill up the bus stop as time goes by. This gave me ample time to observe the people arriving at the bus stop. I was critical. In my mind, I was giving critics on everyone of them based on the way they looked. I started characterising them. There was the evil step mother on the left, the group of ugly foul witches behind, the beautiful snow white on the right, and the handsome Macbeth at my front. I did not even know these people but I was passing judgement about their looks.
The thought came to me: They were passing the same judgement about me.
But don't we all do that? Sure, we have been taught, inner beauty is more valuable that skin deep beauty. But the desire to look beautiful is irresistable and addictive. You just want to look good, especially at the prime of your youth.
I am a skinny man who is a far cry from the modern definition of being handsome. And I hate it. I hate it that I am skinny. I hate it that I do not have the looks of people around me who I think ( and most others too) look good. I hate it that nobody has ever genuinely think of me as a handsome man. I hate it. I want to look good to feel good. That's vanity, pure vanity, but I want it so much.
Why can't I be the good looking one? Why can't I be the handsome one comforting those with mediocre looks, ensuring them that they actually really look good? Telling them that looks are secondary? Why not me?
I have tried to grow fatter, massier but it did not work out. Overtime, I told myself, it doesn't matter what I look like, it is about who I am. But like a devil , the desire to look good haunts me. A certain emotion stirs in me when I know my female friends are commenting that some other guys look good and cute, but never about me. What is that emotion? Perhaps a mixture of envy and hatred. Envy of those who are always noticed for the right reason (I actually sometimes get noticed for looking weird). Hatred with myself, for the way that I look. I hate to admit it but I am a vain person, looks matters to me. Perhaps the ego that comes along with the looks is what that is tempting to me.
Plastic surgery may be advanced today, but why can't I have the natural good looks?
I WANT TO LOOK LIKE TOM CRUISE!!!
Am I very greedy? Vain? Superficial? Whining, complaining and blaming everything like a baby? Me that faces the world thinks so. But the ME inside of me continually contradicts Me. It is a struggle.
It is true that good looks bring about its own problems. But the ability to enjoy such problems is what lingers in me. Like the Apple of Eden. It is so satisfying.
The thought came to me: They were passing the same judgement about me.
But don't we all do that? Sure, we have been taught, inner beauty is more valuable that skin deep beauty. But the desire to look beautiful is irresistable and addictive. You just want to look good, especially at the prime of your youth.
I am a skinny man who is a far cry from the modern definition of being handsome. And I hate it. I hate it that I am skinny. I hate it that I do not have the looks of people around me who I think ( and most others too) look good. I hate it that nobody has ever genuinely think of me as a handsome man. I hate it. I want to look good to feel good. That's vanity, pure vanity, but I want it so much.
Why can't I be the good looking one? Why can't I be the handsome one comforting those with mediocre looks, ensuring them that they actually really look good? Telling them that looks are secondary? Why not me?
I have tried to grow fatter, massier but it did not work out. Overtime, I told myself, it doesn't matter what I look like, it is about who I am. But like a devil , the desire to look good haunts me. A certain emotion stirs in me when I know my female friends are commenting that some other guys look good and cute, but never about me. What is that emotion? Perhaps a mixture of envy and hatred. Envy of those who are always noticed for the right reason (I actually sometimes get noticed for looking weird). Hatred with myself, for the way that I look. I hate to admit it but I am a vain person, looks matters to me. Perhaps the ego that comes along with the looks is what that is tempting to me.
Plastic surgery may be advanced today, but why can't I have the natural good looks?
I WANT TO LOOK LIKE TOM CRUISE!!!
Am I very greedy? Vain? Superficial? Whining, complaining and blaming everything like a baby? Me that faces the world thinks so. But the ME inside of me continually contradicts Me. It is a struggle.
It is true that good looks bring about its own problems. But the ability to enjoy such problems is what lingers in me. Like the Apple of Eden. It is so satisfying.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Actually my mind is a blank now. I have no certain topic that I wish to give my opinions on. I was with my friend today and he suggested that I post my thoughts on BLOG. The activities I went through today are the normalities of a typical Singaporean. I guess only a Singaporean would understand the full capacity of being a Singaporean.
Singapore, a tropical island located near the equator, is the country I was born and bred in. In case there are any doubts, NO we do not eat dog meat here and we are not an island off the shores of China. I guess I cannot blame those who do not know where or what Singapore is. I guess we have yet to make an impact on the international scene.
Some would describe living in Singapore as going through a conveyor belt. The path is set for you. Just follow the instructions as you are told and will you make it to the end of the conveyor belt safely, like all those before you. For 21 years now, I have been following all my predecessors on this safe and trustworthy conveyor belt. I took my PSLE so that I could take my O levels. Then took my A levels so that I could go to university. Now I am in university so that I can get my degree. Took my degree so that I can find a RESPECTABLE job. Respectable job? Hmmmm..........???In between all that, I did my bit for the nation by donning the ever fashionable camouflage gear. I guess if I stay focus now, I will reach the end of the conveyor belt. I have done almost all that is required. I guess I should be happy, delighted, contented, satisfied... or am I? Honestly, I am searching for that answer and I hope it is not too late when I find out. Hope it is not too late for you either.
Singapore, a tropical island located near the equator, is the country I was born and bred in. In case there are any doubts, NO we do not eat dog meat here and we are not an island off the shores of China. I guess I cannot blame those who do not know where or what Singapore is. I guess we have yet to make an impact on the international scene.
Some would describe living in Singapore as going through a conveyor belt. The path is set for you. Just follow the instructions as you are told and will you make it to the end of the conveyor belt safely, like all those before you. For 21 years now, I have been following all my predecessors on this safe and trustworthy conveyor belt. I took my PSLE so that I could take my O levels. Then took my A levels so that I could go to university. Now I am in university so that I can get my degree. Took my degree so that I can find a RESPECTABLE job. Respectable job? Hmmmm..........???In between all that, I did my bit for the nation by donning the ever fashionable camouflage gear. I guess if I stay focus now, I will reach the end of the conveyor belt. I have done almost all that is required. I guess I should be happy, delighted, contented, satisfied... or am I? Honestly, I am searching for that answer and I hope it is not too late when I find out. Hope it is not too late for you either.
