Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Fuck the rain!! It just doesnt want to stop. Makes me gloomy... Always rains on my way home. Makes me wet.
But when I saw this old lady cycling in the drizzle. I smiled at her. I was affacted by her happiness. She was so delighted in waht she was doing. I felt worried about her safety, but I was happier that she could still be so adventurous at her age. She dares-that's what matters.
I guess it is the adventurous events in one's life that makes one's life worthwhile. They remind you that you have dared and done and there are no regrets!!!
But when I saw this old lady cycling in the drizzle. I smiled at her. I was affacted by her happiness. She was so delighted in waht she was doing. I felt worried about her safety, but I was happier that she could still be so adventurous at her age. She dares-that's what matters.
I guess it is the adventurous events in one's life that makes one's life worthwhile. They remind you that you have dared and done and there are no regrets!!!
Met Kellly on the way back to Arts today. The usual happened- the socially correct "Hi, where are you going" question. I really wanted to ask her how she was after all that she has been through, why she dropped her module, basically to find out if she was doing okay and why she did not return my messages. I guess I was afraid that she did not want my concern. Perhaps she did not want me to ask her how she was. I was afraid of that. I really hope that someday she would tell me that she wants the concerns from a friend like me.
I remember her a few years back. She was the cutesy, looney sort. She once told me that she had this dream- For her dream guy to ask her if he could kiss her. She would say no and then turn around and kiss him instead. I wonder if she would still like that. I guess not. Time changes dreams sometimes.
Ta1 shaked my hand today. Could it be that I have fallen. Shit!! Fuck!! Why must it be like this? I tell myself that I shouldn't think about it but I enjoy fantasizing. I want more from and of Ta1. I want to be with Ta1. I long for someone I like to hold me and to tell me that I am important. I know that Ta1 can never be the one. But wish so much that Ta1 is the one. I dont feel happy when Ta1 is around because I know that I cannot have Ta1 and never will. But I those feelings inside. I really wish Ta1 knew how I felt but I know the consequences of doing so. I will lose my friends forever... Why cant I just be like everyone else. Ta1 is just so great. Who am I to demand? I am not fit...
I remember her a few years back. She was the cutesy, looney sort. She once told me that she had this dream- For her dream guy to ask her if he could kiss her. She would say no and then turn around and kiss him instead. I wonder if she would still like that. I guess not. Time changes dreams sometimes.
Ta1 shaked my hand today. Could it be that I have fallen. Shit!! Fuck!! Why must it be like this? I tell myself that I shouldn't think about it but I enjoy fantasizing. I want more from and of Ta1. I want to be with Ta1. I long for someone I like to hold me and to tell me that I am important. I know that Ta1 can never be the one. But wish so much that Ta1 is the one. I dont feel happy when Ta1 is around because I know that I cannot have Ta1 and never will. But I those feelings inside. I really wish Ta1 knew how I felt but I know the consequences of doing so. I will lose my friends forever... Why cant I just be like everyone else. Ta1 is just so great. Who am I to demand? I am not fit...
Friday, January 09, 2004
I feel like I am suffocating.... I feel the walls of my world crumbling onto me and I have no one to turn to. Who can I share my inner most secrets with......Do I dare to show the real me, just waiting for the opportunity to surface itself? Or is it really Me or something constructed by the environment. I wish it was the latter. I don't know. Why can I just embrace love like every normal human being. Why can't I have the feeling of someone loving me. Why am I so afraid? Afraid to act, to say, to do, to speak, to touch, to feel, to profess? But it is not right. I can't....I need a break. I need air. I need nourishment. I want to break free from this cocoon.
I am always analysing myself, trying to justify my thoughts and feelings. I had been doing a good job. I know what is right, what feels right. But I am slowly losing my judgement. The insatiable craving inside of me is slowly getting the better of me. Am I to lead a life like this forever? I am not even brave enough to speak the absolute truth in this Blog!! I care too much about friendship to lose it all at once. Loving what shouldnt be loved. I can't. Anyway, there isn't a chance now. There wasn't much chance in the first place, but the bubble of hope has burst right in my face, telling me to get on with my life.
I want to know what it feels like to hold hands, to hug, to kiss, to taste the lips of another, to make love. I want it. Such desire is dangerous. The stronger it is oppressed, the more it becomes mutated into perversion.
But am I good enough to be worthy? I am afraid. I am so afraid. God! Lift these thoughts out of my head. Make me normal. Make me whole. Make me happy. No worries. PLEASE!!
I am always analysing myself, trying to justify my thoughts and feelings. I had been doing a good job. I know what is right, what feels right. But I am slowly losing my judgement. The insatiable craving inside of me is slowly getting the better of me. Am I to lead a life like this forever? I am not even brave enough to speak the absolute truth in this Blog!! I care too much about friendship to lose it all at once. Loving what shouldnt be loved. I can't. Anyway, there isn't a chance now. There wasn't much chance in the first place, but the bubble of hope has burst right in my face, telling me to get on with my life.
I want to know what it feels like to hold hands, to hug, to kiss, to taste the lips of another, to make love. I want it. Such desire is dangerous. The stronger it is oppressed, the more it becomes mutated into perversion.
But am I good enough to be worthy? I am afraid. I am so afraid. God! Lift these thoughts out of my head. Make me normal. Make me whole. Make me happy. No worries. PLEASE!!
Friday, December 19, 2003
I am so bored today.... Guess its time to just write something.
Was reading the previous postings that I made. Can't believe I wrote all those and actually posted them on the net. But I guess that' s what blogs are all about, to record your thoughts in that moment of your life, regardless of how ridiculous they really are.
Having my holidays now and feeling really aimless, like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. I can't seem to find my direction in life in any of my friends. They are all so busy and so caught up in their own life. I am setting out on my own life as well but the process will be a lonely one. Like a pebble in the river, the tides pass me by, whereas I remain stagnant. But I am confident that it is only a matter of time before that arrow appears to direct me.
The search for true happiness and self content is frustrating. The gaze is evil, it hurts you and goes on to destroy you, your beliefs in yourself, your hope. The moment you feel that you are confident to face them, the gaze destroys you. The words from the lips of the devil burns your skin, poisons your heart, blurs you vision, consumes your brain. I am just not ready, prepared and confident enough. I have yet to truly overcome my shortcomings. I dont believe in myself. Guess this is what boredom causes. It forces you to think, to reflect in life, to face yourself. It forces you to face the mirror. Are you happy with your reflection? Do you like what you see? Do you care about what the others see? At this stage, I do care about what others see. But I want to overcome this. I have to. I must. It just takes time......
Was reading the previous postings that I made. Can't believe I wrote all those and actually posted them on the net. But I guess that' s what blogs are all about, to record your thoughts in that moment of your life, regardless of how ridiculous they really are.
Having my holidays now and feeling really aimless, like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. I can't seem to find my direction in life in any of my friends. They are all so busy and so caught up in their own life. I am setting out on my own life as well but the process will be a lonely one. Like a pebble in the river, the tides pass me by, whereas I remain stagnant. But I am confident that it is only a matter of time before that arrow appears to direct me.
The search for true happiness and self content is frustrating. The gaze is evil, it hurts you and goes on to destroy you, your beliefs in yourself, your hope. The moment you feel that you are confident to face them, the gaze destroys you. The words from the lips of the devil burns your skin, poisons your heart, blurs you vision, consumes your brain. I am just not ready, prepared and confident enough. I have yet to truly overcome my shortcomings. I dont believe in myself. Guess this is what boredom causes. It forces you to think, to reflect in life, to face yourself. It forces you to face the mirror. Are you happy with your reflection? Do you like what you see? Do you care about what the others see? At this stage, I do care about what others see. But I want to overcome this. I have to. I must. It just takes time......
Monday, August 18, 2003
I was standing at the bus stop today. The bus took a long time to arrive. The crowd started to fill up the bus stop as time goes by. This gave me ample time to observe the people arriving at the bus stop. I was critical. In my mind, I was giving critics on everyone of them based on the way they looked. I started characterising them. There was the evil step mother on the left, the group of ugly foul witches behind, the beautiful snow white on the right, and the handsome Macbeth at my front. I did not even know these people but I was passing judgement about their looks.
The thought came to me: They were passing the same judgement about me.
But don't we all do that? Sure, we have been taught, inner beauty is more valuable that skin deep beauty. But the desire to look beautiful is irresistable and addictive. You just want to look good, especially at the prime of your youth.
I am a skinny man who is a far cry from the modern definition of being handsome. And I hate it. I hate it that I am skinny. I hate it that I do not have the looks of people around me who I think ( and most others too) look good. I hate it that nobody has ever genuinely think of me as a handsome man. I hate it. I want to look good to feel good. That's vanity, pure vanity, but I want it so much.
Why can't I be the good looking one? Why can't I be the handsome one comforting those with mediocre looks, ensuring them that they actually really look good? Telling them that looks are secondary? Why not me?
I have tried to grow fatter, massier but it did not work out. Overtime, I told myself, it doesn't matter what I look like, it is about who I am. But like a devil , the desire to look good haunts me. A certain emotion stirs in me when I know my female friends are commenting that some other guys look good and cute, but never about me. What is that emotion? Perhaps a mixture of envy and hatred. Envy of those who are always noticed for the right reason (I actually sometimes get noticed for looking weird). Hatred with myself, for the way that I look. I hate to admit it but I am a vain person, looks matters to me. Perhaps the ego that comes along with the looks is what that is tempting to me.
Plastic surgery may be advanced today, but why can't I have the natural good looks?
I WANT TO LOOK LIKE TOM CRUISE!!!
Am I very greedy? Vain? Superficial? Whining, complaining and blaming everything like a baby? Me that faces the world thinks so. But the ME inside of me continually contradicts Me. It is a struggle.
It is true that good looks bring about its own problems. But the ability to enjoy such problems is what lingers in me. Like the Apple of Eden. It is so satisfying.
The thought came to me: They were passing the same judgement about me.
But don't we all do that? Sure, we have been taught, inner beauty is more valuable that skin deep beauty. But the desire to look beautiful is irresistable and addictive. You just want to look good, especially at the prime of your youth.
I am a skinny man who is a far cry from the modern definition of being handsome. And I hate it. I hate it that I am skinny. I hate it that I do not have the looks of people around me who I think ( and most others too) look good. I hate it that nobody has ever genuinely think of me as a handsome man. I hate it. I want to look good to feel good. That's vanity, pure vanity, but I want it so much.
Why can't I be the good looking one? Why can't I be the handsome one comforting those with mediocre looks, ensuring them that they actually really look good? Telling them that looks are secondary? Why not me?
I have tried to grow fatter, massier but it did not work out. Overtime, I told myself, it doesn't matter what I look like, it is about who I am. But like a devil , the desire to look good haunts me. A certain emotion stirs in me when I know my female friends are commenting that some other guys look good and cute, but never about me. What is that emotion? Perhaps a mixture of envy and hatred. Envy of those who are always noticed for the right reason (I actually sometimes get noticed for looking weird). Hatred with myself, for the way that I look. I hate to admit it but I am a vain person, looks matters to me. Perhaps the ego that comes along with the looks is what that is tempting to me.
Plastic surgery may be advanced today, but why can't I have the natural good looks?
I WANT TO LOOK LIKE TOM CRUISE!!!
Am I very greedy? Vain? Superficial? Whining, complaining and blaming everything like a baby? Me that faces the world thinks so. But the ME inside of me continually contradicts Me. It is a struggle.
It is true that good looks bring about its own problems. But the ability to enjoy such problems is what lingers in me. Like the Apple of Eden. It is so satisfying.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Actually my mind is a blank now. I have no certain topic that I wish to give my opinions on. I was with my friend today and he suggested that I post my thoughts on BLOG. The activities I went through today are the normalities of a typical Singaporean. I guess only a Singaporean would understand the full capacity of being a Singaporean.
Singapore, a tropical island located near the equator, is the country I was born and bred in. In case there are any doubts, NO we do not eat dog meat here and we are not an island off the shores of China. I guess I cannot blame those who do not know where or what Singapore is. I guess we have yet to make an impact on the international scene.
Some would describe living in Singapore as going through a conveyor belt. The path is set for you. Just follow the instructions as you are told and will you make it to the end of the conveyor belt safely, like all those before you. For 21 years now, I have been following all my predecessors on this safe and trustworthy conveyor belt. I took my PSLE so that I could take my O levels. Then took my A levels so that I could go to university. Now I am in university so that I can get my degree. Took my degree so that I can find a RESPECTABLE job. Respectable job? Hmmmm..........???In between all that, I did my bit for the nation by donning the ever fashionable camouflage gear. I guess if I stay focus now, I will reach the end of the conveyor belt. I have done almost all that is required. I guess I should be happy, delighted, contented, satisfied... or am I? Honestly, I am searching for that answer and I hope it is not too late when I find out. Hope it is not too late for you either.
Singapore, a tropical island located near the equator, is the country I was born and bred in. In case there are any doubts, NO we do not eat dog meat here and we are not an island off the shores of China. I guess I cannot blame those who do not know where or what Singapore is. I guess we have yet to make an impact on the international scene.
Some would describe living in Singapore as going through a conveyor belt. The path is set for you. Just follow the instructions as you are told and will you make it to the end of the conveyor belt safely, like all those before you. For 21 years now, I have been following all my predecessors on this safe and trustworthy conveyor belt. I took my PSLE so that I could take my O levels. Then took my A levels so that I could go to university. Now I am in university so that I can get my degree. Took my degree so that I can find a RESPECTABLE job. Respectable job? Hmmmm..........???In between all that, I did my bit for the nation by donning the ever fashionable camouflage gear. I guess if I stay focus now, I will reach the end of the conveyor belt. I have done almost all that is required. I guess I should be happy, delighted, contented, satisfied... or am I? Honestly, I am searching for that answer and I hope it is not too late when I find out. Hope it is not too late for you either.
